stuck in my own little world?

Assalamualaikum, Good evening, Hallo,

I am listening to Endless Tears song when I am writing this post. i realized it's been a long time since I didn't write anything in this blog. just wondering, why I can't find the right words to describe what I am feeling right now? is it to much to say, or it is just simply complicated? *Simply complicated? I am not sure if that is the right word too anyway.

to be honest, I am a good actor. yes. I am very sure of that. I can cry, laugh, or acting stupidly just to make sure people are convinced with the character that I am trying to show in the drama.

same goes to my reality. sometimes I act infront of people too. I laugh, I smiled, and pretend not to care for some certain things even it irritates me that much. or when I am really concerned. the reason why I do that? I am sick of people when I show my concern about them, it seems that they use me and tend to hurt me other day. and once I make a decision to leave one's life, I'll never be back. unless they ask me for the second chance, and I had considered that they should be given the second chance. in some cases, no more second chance because they are not deserve for it.

when I care, I am not expecting the same treat from that person too. *although sometimes I hope that there is atleast one person who really cares for me. however, for a girl like me, it will be just a dream.

usually, the one who would care for me that much will not stay with me forever in my life. they will come just for a while and leaved me with those memories. even if they don't want to leave me for stupid reasons like fighting, hating each other or yadayadayada things, they need to go. they just need to go.

far away...

distance sometimes make me cry.

sometimes, it is hard to hide your sadness especially when you are facing the reason of your sadness right in front of your eyes. I would always have this kind of fight with myself to settle down with that feeling.

and when I find someone who is almost exactly like me, I don't to hurt that person even a little bit. i want to help, to share, but it seems gaining trust from someone like "me" it is hard. I am looking at another me and I understand why that person acts like that.

sometimes, i just want to tell that person, stop caring so much for other people and start to think about yourself instead. why I didn't do that at the first place? I don't know. I just can't stop myself from caring for others. because deep in my heart, I have dreams and hopes.

and now, I'm preparing  myself to lose another person gave me so much valuable words and memories. Because that is the thing that would always happen. after sometime, people would start to realise the flaws in me and start to make a distance.

I don't even care of the facts that people would hate me after knowing me sometime, leaving me for others that they feel better than me, I just don't care. I am here in your life to give you something. either it is memory, words or lesson,

I am not perfect but I don't want to change myself into something else. i just don't want.

let me scream, let me shout.

i don't even care if i wear the same colour of hijab everyday. 

i don't even care even people hate the songs that i like.

i don't even care if people call me crazy.

and now I'm asking my heart. what is this feeling that bothers me a lot?? this weird feeling....